Meditation for beginners.
I’ve spent a lot of time practicing relaxative contemplation lately, mostly because I’ve always been fascinated by the life of the mind and how best to relieve its stress, but also because when you find yourself getting back into bed at nine in the morning on account of you’ve got nothing else to do with your horrible failure of a life, it somehow feels better to tell yourself that you’re practicing some kind of meditative technique.
Curious as to how you can perform this same exercise? It’s so simple that anyone could do it! Here are the basic steps:
• Lay flat on your back. You’re going to need a whole bunch of pillows to block out the light of day, which is unpleasant because it reminds you that everyone else you know is currently working, at their jobs, where they receive money for the services they render, while you are naked and flat on your back with no prospects of anything to do for the rest of the day and are desperately holding out until noon, which you’ve told yourself is somehow an acceptable time to start drinking. Anyway, arrange the pillows in such a way that you can’t see or hear anything.
• See with your eyes. This is where the whole thing starts to sound all New Agey and fake, but stick with me here: The major mistake most people make when beginning meditation is that they allow their mind to take over what they “see.” This is exactly the wrong idea. Your mind is easily given to digression and will keep bringing up unpleasant visions and irritating thoughts, like, “Why don’t you have a job?” or “Do you know how worthless you are?” or “Everyone would be much happier if you killed yourself and they didn’t have to feel as uncomfortable as they do each time they see you now.” This will not help you meditate. What you want to do is focus your closed eyes. Stare only at the blackness within. This is difficult, but trust me, after four months of joblessness it becomes second nature. At first you’ll feel bored and self-conscious, but after a while you’ll drift off into a condition that scientists or doctors or the unemployment office might consider “sleeping” but which I prefer to think of as a heightened state of consciousness that others cannot understand because they’re too busy being productive and such.
• Avoid distractions. This is the hardest part of achieving a state of restedness. You should shut off your phone, lest someone call wondering when you plan to pay your credit card bill and disturb you. No matter how well-prepared you are with pillows and other sound-blocking devices, you will hear the occasional siren from an ambulance which is ferrying some lucky sonofabitch to his or her sweet rendezvous with death. This will cause intense envy and/or anger on your part, but work with it: Imagine that YOU are actually the person who has died! All you can see in front of you is blackness! All those hopes and plans you had for life which wound up turning to ash? That slate’s been wiped clean! Nothing matters anymore! You are as insignificant to the universe as you always secretly thought—and as certain relatives and educators along the way constantly reminded you—you were. Enjoy it! Your whole life has been leading up to this nothing; embrace it!
• Breathe. I can’t overstate the importance of this item. You’re going to eventually not want to breathe. Your body may even cooperate with you on this one, particularly if you “mistakenly” place the pillow over your mouth and nose. Fortunately, your massively swelling abdomen—which, really, what’s the deal with that, seeing as you don’t eat anymore since nothing has any taste or seems worth ingesting and the only thing you put in your body is a continuing series of increasingly cheaper brands of vodka?—will eventually expand and contract to the point where you sputter back to the disappointing reality of life. It’s more pleasant if you do this on your own rather than have your lungs force it upon you.
• Don’t masturbate. Not only don’t you deserve it, you don’t want to know how much more infinitely sad you’ll be afterward.
• Pick a mantra. No matter how hard we try, it’s difficult for even the most practiced among us to avoid “mental wandering.” It’s helpful to choose a word or phrase to repeat over and over so that you can avoid thinking of other things. Many of us grew up with some kind of organized religion in our lives; whether or not we follow those teachings now, it’s surprising how comforting it is to have a phrase based on the idea of an all-powerful deity who might somehow listen to your appeal and grant your request. So try something like, “Please, God, let me die,” which is both sibilant and short. As you perfect your technique, you’ll find that you might not need a phrase at all; a simple, wordless series of sobs does just the same work! But be warned, the tears can be extremely distracting to anyone who has not yet reached the point where they don’t care what happens to them or what kind of puddle they’re lying in or whether they ever get up. So you might need a couple of weeks before you try that one.
Got it? These are obviously just the initial steps. Once you’ve mastered these beginner’s basics, we can talk about more advanced techniques, such as “Passing Out At Midmorning,” “The Bag Over The Head,” and “The ‘Accidental’ Overdose.” But until you get there, stay focused on the simple guidelines above. If you work hard enough, I promise, you’ll be able to blot out almost every reminder of how absolutely miserable your life has become. And, really, isn’t that the kind of inner joy we all hope to achieve?
Yes. Yes it is.
