Kathie: Of course I don’t think I’m a beauty queen or a supermodel or whatever like that. Daddy would always try and tell me that there was something about how special I was that the camera could never really capture but you spend your middle school and high school years hearing the names and the whispers and the stuff they don’t even bother to whisper, and, well, you figure it out pretty good. Gramma going on about how much I “sparkled on the inside” didn’t help much either, even though I know she meant her best.
I know what I look like. Or, at least, I get reminded enough. The day I graduated – first one in the family to do it – was the proudest moment of my life, so far. I remember how happy everyone was, how we had a big party in the backyard after, how my friends and cousins and I stayed out under the stars after the grown-ups had gone home or to bed and talked about our plans and dreams and for those couple hours it didn’t make a difference whether I was as pretty as Mandy Moore or whatnot… I was just Kathie, with her friends, on graduation. I look at those pictures now and that’s what I try to remember, not the other stuff.
Do I get sad sometimes? Sure. Who doesn’t? I’m lonely, just like I guess most of us are, even someone like my cousin Carly who’s pretty as all get out and always has a different guy wanting to take her somewhere. Carly sometimes comes over crying in the middle of the night about why can’t she find someone special who she can share the special moments with, and even though I’m crying about the same thing inside, I keep it all in, because that’s what you do for someone you love, you listen. But I tell myself what I tell her, which is “Chin up, you’re so special, there’s someone out there bound to recognize it, and when that happens you’re going to be so happy it’s gonna be like all of this was the time you put it just so it’d be that much extra special for you for real.”
And you know what? When I tell it to Carly, it’s true, and when I tell it to myself, it’s true. Sure, maybe I don’t have the prettiest face the world has ever seen. Maybe my smile isn’t the brightest one going. You know what? I’m special. I can love someone like they’ve never been loved before, and if there’s someone out there who’s as lonely as me, who just wants those empty quiet moments when they feel like they’re the only person in the universe to be a thing of the past, and knows what love is, how it’s not always about perfect or pretty but it’s just about being good, or funny, or having a good heart, or being someone who will quietly hold hands and not say anything while the movie’s going on but grab real tight when the scary part happens, well, I know they’re going to find me and I’m going to find them. And if they see my pictures and they laugh, well, fine, it’s happened before. But hopefully somebody sees the me that’s in there. Because I have so much love to give. I hope that comes through.
