He’s only 9, but this pint-sized pickup artist already knows plenty about pleasing the ladies.
So much, in fact, that Alec Greven’s dating primer, “How to Talk to Girls” - which began as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair - hit the shelves nationwide last week.
The fourth-grader from Castle Rock, Colo., advises Lothario wannabes to stop showing off, go easy on the compliments to avoid looking desperate - and be wary of “pretty girls.”
“It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry,” he writes in Chapter Three.
“Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”
He clarifies, “By oil, I mean come. You know, jazz juice. Baby batter. Snatch feeder. You know what I’m talking about.”
Greven’s follow-up, “How to Eat Pussy,” is expected to hit the shelves in spring 2009.
“It’s slightly more sophisticated,” says the tiny trim magnet. “It’s aimed at the middle school set.”
HarperCollins, which is publishing both volumes, is also in talks with Greven’s parents about a line of ancillary materials, including a series of coloring books, an animated television show called “Captain Twat Seeker, Space Pilot,” and a Greven-penned addition to the popular “For Dummies” series on the subject of slit lickin’.
Alec’s mother, Erin Greven, credits her son’s beyond-his-years insight to his avid reading.
“He reads nonstop. At dinner, I say, ‘Put your book down,’ ” she said.
Alec - who just finished a children’s book on the Watergate scandal - said he wants to be a full-time writer when he grows up, with a weekend job in archaeology or paleontology.
“Whichever one gets me more sweet, sweet poontang,” he adds with his gap-toothed smile.
I dunno, I think this kid is
overcompensating.
