Alex Balk

Nov 03

That was the easy part.

How long has this election been going on for? Consider this: It’s been sixteen months since My Cock announced his endorsement of Barack Obama, and even then he was somewhat late to the party. (Insert your own joke here.) Nevertheless, and finally, it’s all over tomorrow.

Anyway, John McCain is going to lose. He never really had a chance in the first place, given that it’s a Democratic year and the party was so confident of victory that they figured, “Hey, we’re not just gonna spot you a woman, we’re going to go all the way and run a black guy nobody knows with a name that reminds people of America’s two biggest boogeymen from the last eight years.” Whether tomorrow ends in a landslide (I’m thinking at least 300 votes in the electoral college as Obama’s floor) or something a little bit tighter, this race is done, and has been ever since—well, pick your point: the idiot choice of Sarah Palin, which was desperately cynical even for Republicans and showed McCain at his worst (“If the base won’t let me pick Joe Lieberman then fuck it, I’ll go with someone with a vagina, get those Hillary voters who clearly only vote for vagina-havers”); the desperate gimmickry of the “suspended campaign” that was never actually suspended and immediately withdrawn as soon as it was clear that even the dumbest American voter wasn’t dumb enough to fall for it; the praise of the economic fundamentals even as it became clear that, well, the fundamentals were for shit; the cringeworthy excuse that, because Obama wouldn’t roll over for McCain’s demands for ten town halls, McCain had no choice but to go negative; the cack-handed dishonesty with which McCain actually did go negative; it’s a rich tapestry, but, when you think about it, this race has pretty much been done for a lot longer than that. Actually, it’s been done since (and here’s the part where we get back to the closing em dash which I know you punctuation mavens have been panting for ever since we used the opening one way back there at the beginning of the paragraph)—2004, when George W. Bush was re-elected and promptly proceeded to show everyone what a crap choice he was in the first place, what with the not giving a shit as a major American city drowned while being completely invested in stripping away the rights of a private citizen whose braindead wife vegetated persistently.

What’s been astounding about the Republicans during this whole campaign is the ludicrous sense of entitlement they have toward the office of the presidency. It’s like they were born on third base and forgot that the Supreme Court waved them home. And I’m not just talking about the low and ugly tactics they brought to this race. I’m leaving out the astonishing nerviness it took for them to try and make a major issue of a few meaningless bogus registration forms while attempting to systematically purge the voter rolls of anyone who might vote for the other party. (I’m leaving it out, but think about it again: They’ve been bitching and moaning about Mickey Mouse, who I’m fairly sure will not actually show up, while deliberately attempting to prevent American citizens from exercising their Constitutional privilege to elect their representatives.) I’m not going to mention the disgusting attempts to preemptively delegitimize the next president (Barack Obama). No, what’s most offensive about the whole thing is the insistence that they deserve a third term. Look at the absolute disaster the last eight years of Republican rule—six of which, do not forget, have come with that party in control of all three branches of government; the next time I hear some Republican talking head warn against the “lack of checks and balances” if the Democrats control both Congress and the presidency, I swear I’m going to throw my shoe at the screen. Are these people willfully stupid or deliberately duplicitous?—has been for this country. The fact that any Republican anywhere can show up with a straight face and argue for another four years at the helm is a tribute to the forgiving nature of our nation; they should all be walking around with paper bags on their heads, shoulders slumped in shame, carrying placards that read “Sorry for repeatedly raping you in the ass since 2000, America. This time we promise to use lube.” The Republican party’s only hope in the last three months has been that American voters might prove more racist than they are greedy. Thankfully, they will not.

There’s more—oh, there’s plenty more all right—but it’s enough. The die is cast. The cake is baked. Tomorrow morning Americans of all stripes are going to wake up and go to the polls and cast their votes for change. Here’s my advice on how you should vote tomorrow.

Those of you who support John McCain, I want you to think about this: Barack Obama is going to win. He’s probably going to win walking away. People will spend hours waiting at the polls so they can cast their vote for him. Tomorrow’s supposed to be a beautiful day in most parts of the country: Do you really want to waste a good part of it so that you can someday tell your grandkids that you cast a futile vote against America’s first black president because you were worried about his socialist economic policies? (And remember, by the time your grandkids are around, they’ll know that “socialist economic policies” was simply secret code for “I don’t want to appear racist so I’ll grab at any excuse, no matter how ludicrous and overblown, to keep a black guy out of the White House,” which is just not going to wash.) Of course you don’t. John McCain is going to lose. Take the afternoon off and tell your boss you were voting. Go to a bar or something. Enjoy the sunshine. Your party’s about to take a well-deserved beating; would you rather spend that time standing in line behind a bunch of well-motivated, enthusiastic Democrats who are full of anticipation for this historic moment? Of course not! Get hammered and do something non-racist for the first time in a while. I mean, sure, if you really want to be racist, go vote for McCain, but remember: It’s not going to matter. He’s going to lose.

Those of you who support Barack Obama: Vote. Vote your ass off. Drag everyone you know to the polls with you. Enjoy the sensation of history. Enjoy the well-deserved victory. Enjoy the fierce urgency of now. But remind yourself of this at some point during the day (perhaps at 11 P.M. Eastern tomorrow when they announce that Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States): that was the easy part.

Happy Election Day, America. Let’s do it again four years from now.