Man, it is ugly out there. It occurs to me that it might take longer to find a new job than previously anticipated. It also occurs to me that I haven’t really slept in the last three years. So rather than focus my efforts on employment, I think it might make sense to address the urgent lack of rest problem first. Consider this the official announcement of the Alex Balk Napping Fund. That’s right, I’m soliciting donations from both longtime fans and casual readers who want to give something back to the man whose endless stream of cock monologues and rape jokes have brought so much joy to the Internet. Plus, a donation is not a completely retroactive gesture on your part. There are some lovely gifts I’ll be passing along to those of you who contribute to my much needed slumber.
For $25, you will get a personal e-mail from me which reads “Zzzzzzzz.”
For $50, you will receive an MP3 of me snoring.
Donors at the $100 level will get a signed photo of me fitfully dozing.
$250 nabs you all of the above, plus a vial of my drool.
For $500 I promise I will dream about you. If you want to be doing stuff to me in the dream there is a separate rate card which has various act-dependent pricing options.
Want to become an Alex Balk Napping Fund Gold Level Patron? It’ll cost you $1000, but you’ll get all of the above, a Radar messenger bag I took from the office before they kicked us out, and you can come to my house and watch me sleep.
At the $5000 level, not only do you get to watch me sleep, but you can hang out with me when I wake up! My days mostly consist of drinking bourbon from a chipped coffee mug and singing “Baby of Mine” from the movie Dumbo over and over while I weep softly into my lap, but sometimes more exciting things—like full-blown crying jags where I roll around on the floor and wail uncontrollably—happen. You want to be there for that, I promise.
If you donate $10,000 or more I will tell you the correct pronunciation of “Choire Sicha.” The real one, not the one he gives out for public consumption. It will blow your mind.
Let’s make this happen, people. The number one danger facing Alex Balks all across America right now is a lack of solid crash-time. With your help, we can all sleep a little better knowing that I’m sleeping a lot better. Thanks for making a difference.
