January 2008
I'm pretty sure I like this.
Even so, it makes me feel INCREDIBLY FUCKING OLD that we’ve now reached the point in the cycle where Modest Mouse is a reference point for new bands.
Hot dogs.
Hot dogs: even kids with chicken pox love them. And in a world filled with uncertainty and turmoil, it’s just that kind of comforting thought we’d do better to remember with a little more frequency.
Lispy cunt?
I mean, that’s what I would have gone with.
Holy shit this is good.
And I’m an old man. Imagine how much the kids are going to love it.
Asking the important questions.
“Sorry, but just to clarify, you’re on the record saying that Nick Denton is a real son of a bitch, right?”
He's a fool in the rain. Fortunately, she brought...
Writers Guild Will Allow Striking Members to Work on Grammy Awards
The other America.
I’m sure it’s nice enough and that the people who live there enjoy the same hopes, dreams, loves and longings that we all have, but, Jesus, pass, thanks.
I'd rather be dead.
I’m about to enjoy the majesty of rail travel to a C-list American city. Expect a remarkably snobby dispatch about poor accommodations and the insalubrious habits of the lower orders at some point tomorrow. If I survive.
1 tag
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and...
“THE mayor. If he jumps, it’s next month. For now it’s still 50/50. A crap shoot. Waiting for how Super Tuesday’s dice fall. Whose number comes up? Who’s out of the money? The man’s reactive, not proactive. Riding that gravy train, his dwarfs are telling him he can do it.” Good lord. We’ve all seen the mayor. Can you imagine how tiny his dwarfs must...
“The internet has so vastly increased the potency of urban legends, so quickened...”
– Hilary Mantel
Woke up this morning, got yourself a blog.
So for whatever reason, the thought occurred to me today: Why isn’t anyone shaking down the web moguls? I mean, let’s be honest, these are not the kind of people who are gonna fight back, am I right? There should be a show about a mob family that decides fuck construction, fuck garbage, the real money is in putting the arm on your digital gentry. The money’s easier, there’s not a lot of kickback;...
That reminds me of a joke.
A well dressed lady is walking into Zabar’s when a homeless man lying at her feet says, “Please, ma’am, can you spare some change? I haven’t eaten in three days.” “My God,” says the woman, stepping over him, “I wish I had your willpower.”
Paul Dergarabedian's got nothing on me.
“More like Ram-NO.” “More like Ram-BLOW.” “More like Ram-I-don’t-wanna-go.” Slightly fewer brain-damaged Americans chose to see Rambo this weekeend than the groundbreaking work of cinema that is Meet the Spartans.
The super-rich are just as ignorant and easily...
“Perot was pleasantly surprised when I told him that Obama was a Christian, not a Muslim, and relieved when I informed him that the e-mail Perot (and untold others) received about Obama not respecting the Pledge of Allegiance was a fraud.” But does he know what happens if you google “miserable failure”?
Legacies.
I’m pretty sure that when I’m in the autumn of my years and looking back upon my life’s work to assess the contributions I made to the world, I’m probably going to be proudest of “professional hymen-regenerator.” It’s a lot to live up to.
Coming around.
I’ve mocked them in the past, but, okay, I can finally see how there’s something loopily endearing about Cindy Adams’ occasional history columns. They must be her assistants’ favorite things to write.
The MOST blowjobs!
Back in late October we were tossing around ideas for features and it occurred to me that if Hillary won the White House we were going to see all these people from the nineties, who we’d blessedly forgotten about over the last eight years, back in the news. I had Amber put this “where are they now” piece together, which turned out fine. But my original plan—which I completely forgot about...
"I hope no one sees us and writes about HOW...
“HUMA Abedin, the traveling aide who is rarely out of Hillary Rodham Clinton’s sight, has been seen with bachelor Rep. Anthony Weiner on the campaign trail. Shortly before Clinton arrived for a fund-raiser Thursday night at the Hiro club in the Meatpacking District, Abedin was spotted going into the Maritime Hotel around the corner with Weiner. If they were trying to keep their affair a...
Thank God I left Gawker, a continuing series.
“This is the tall, terrific Alex Kuczynski, a looker who recently gave up her blond-bombshell aura and opted for a more natural look, decrying plastic surgery. A rising star at The New York Times during the reign of Howell Raines, Alex married well (and she says “for love”) instead of merely settling for life as an ink-stained wretch - picking the wealthy Charles Stevenson of...
How do you really feel?
The NYT Styles is a riot of stupidity today—Hollywood is fascinated by psychiatrists! Old woman looks back on when she was young enough to be considered attractive by someone! Everything by Stephanie Rosenbloom ever!—but the Allen Salkin quarterback thing is so munificent in its retardedness it should be taught in a class for people who want to know how to write the world’s most embarrassing...
Dept. of Imperfect/Insensitive Analogies
John Edwards is that guy at the bar who—knowing he’s gonna catch hell from the wife for staying out late drinking—decides to make a whole night of it. Go home, John. She’s got cancer, she doesn’t have enough energy to really tear into you.
You're not missing much, pal.
“Even with his low housing costs, Mr. Kiely rents fewer DVDs, borrows books from the library and reads the news online. ‘The newspaper,’ he said, ‘I never buy it anymore.’”
I too would like to learn how to bang someone of...
“All my life, people have told me that my father changed their lives, that they got involved in public service or politics because he asked them to. And the generation he inspired has passed that spirit on to its children. I meet young people who were born long after John F. Kennedy was president, yet who ask me how to live out his ideals.”
How the pros do it.
People Magazine has confirmed our On the Scene report: Mary-Kate Olsen was indeed partying on the Lower East Side on Thursday night, The former child star was a friend of Heath Ledger, and the first person called after the actor’s body was found dead. But the diminutive star was not so devastated by his death to alter her social schedule.
But then again, too few to mention.
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t given up on a tumblr solely based on making fun of Doree so easily.
People are using their remote controls as remote...
“While everyone keeps waiting for interactive TV to arrive, it may have already snuck into American’s living rooms. A new survey conducted by Harris Interactive revealed that 66% of Americans use their remotes for basic interactivity. That’s everything from electronic programming guides, video on demand and digital video recordings to actual interactive experiences with shows or...
I have NO IDEA.
New from Google: gKid! You already store all your personal information with us; why not have your friends at Google raise your offspring? Since we read all your mail and keep track of your purchases and the websites you read, we’re well aware of your preferences and income. White supremacist? We’ll teach your kid to hate the dark folks just as much as you do. Making more than 100k a...
Yes.
I haven’t either.
Do I really need to read something that takes 5000...
No I do not.
Oh no, I've been TUMBLING INAPPROPRIATELY.
“Right now I’m following 35 people. Most of those people know how to use Tumblr responsibly and only post when they have something worthwhile to say. Others don’t…” I’m sorry if my incessant tumbling has brought anyone to grief. RELATED: Has anyone made a “T.U.I.” joke about tumbling while drunk yet? ‘Cause if not I want credit. Actually, I don’t...
Often in error, never in doubt.
You have absolutely no idea how relieved I am that this happened.
Libby Copeland draws the shortest straw.
“BOCA RATON, Fla. — The best place to meet the Floridians who could save Rudy Giuliani’s hide is here at the Flakowitz Bagel Inn…”
"Hey, Ma, so long as you're running down the...
“Carla Bruni, an Italian-born supermodel turned singer, has been making headlines around the world for her relationship with French President Nicolas Sarkozy, which started late last year. Though her 2002 album of folky pop songs made her a music star in France, Ms. Bruni is better known in musical circles in the U.S. for her back-to-back relationships with Eric Clapton and Mick Jagger in...
The platonic ideal of a Daily Mail story.
Revealed: How Romanian pickpocket gangs are building palaces back home with child slave labour
Truer words, etc.
Black People Knows How to Party
Admit it, you miss the Cock.
So long as we’re talking about the nineties—and we are—it seems to me that Madonna never got enough credit for her Sex book from a literary standpoint. Looking back, it’s easy to see it as the Huckleberry Finn from which all post-modern sex literature comes. Without the genre-defying brilliance of Sex, could Toni Bentley have written that memoir about taking it in the ass? I...
Isn't there anyone around David Simon who loves...
Because, seriously, shut the fuck up.
Hey! It's your tomorrow!
For whatever reason I woke up this morning with an idea for a McSweeneysesque list of “cutting room floor” items from Van Halen’s “Right Now” video (RIGHT NOW A YOUNG BOY IS BEING MOLESTED BY A CLERGYMAN, RIGHT NOW YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BE WORRIED ABOUT WHY IT BURNS WHEN YOU TAKE A LEAK, RIGHT NOW SHE IS PUTTING THE DISHES AWAY IN THE CABINET OF THE KITCHEN IN THE SMALL...
On beyond meta.
BALK: You know what is amusing me? BALK: You’re masseuse obsession. doree: haahahahaha doree: i am slightly obsessed with the masseuse. doree: it’s such a law and order detail. BALK: I can tell. I love when you grab on to something like that. So OCD. doree: hahaahahaha doree: good thing i have this outlet doree: otherwise i would just be going over it in my head endlessly doree:...
Never mind the fact that it doesn't even scan.
“MAYBE the jingle should go, ‘Roto-Rooter, that’s the name, and away goes Artie Lange down the drain.’” Someone at Page Six is 100 years old. My money’s on Froelich.
I think this is the kind of joke I'm actually...
Instead, I suggested it. My bad.
Oooh, oooh, oooh, pick me, I know! Fucking!...
“While Giants quarterback Eli Manning was home dissecting game tape, Tom Brady spent 24 straight hours behind closed doors with his sexy supermodel girlfriend at her intimate Village pad. What do you think they were up to all night?”
Share bride failing star.
Some of them are, you know. Good night.
Old man record reviews, cont'd.
I don’t like the new Destroyer as much as I did the last four.
Great moments in journalism.
Oh. The humanity.